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Results for 06/15/2007 to 07/02/2007
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Last week, Natasha said:
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"New Stepdad
My mom just got remarried. My new stepdad is a really nice guy and all, but I have lots of problems with him. First of all, he thinks he has authority over me. I know he is an adult but only knowing him for a few months doesn't make it appropriate for him to treat me like his daughter. I already have a close relationship with my bio-dad so I don't need my stepdad to be a father figure. He keeps trying to make decisions about my health, what car I will drive, my education, who I can date or anything else. He came in to our house and interrupted our life, so I think it's appropriate if he tries to stop controlling me. What should I do?"
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246 SmartGirls replied:
| 10% |
When your stepdad is trying to make a decision for you or is overstepping his role, nicely let him know that you appreciate his advice and that you'll take it into consideration, but that you want to talk it over with your real dad before any decisions are made. As long as you say it genuinely, he might get the message that he's crossing the line and trying to step into your real dad's role and that you don't appreciate it. |
| 24% |
Ask your mom if you can talk with her about the situation with your stepdad. Since she is your real parent living in the house, she needs to determine with your stepdad how the parenting is going to work. Talk with her calmly about how you're feeling and let her know that you don't feel comfortable when your stepdad tries to fill the role of your real dad. Tell her that you want important decisions to be made between you, your mom and your dad still, and ask her to communicate this to your stepdad. Maybe hearing this from your mom will cause him to figure out how he can fill his role as stepfather. |
| 3% |
To smooth out the situation, you have to learn to compromise. As you said, he is an adult and so he's obviously going to take the adult role. The sooner you accept this, the easier things will be at home. It may not seem fair, but sometimes life isn't. |
| 17% |
Go right to the root of the problem and talk with your stepdad about how you're feeling. You might be surprised to learn that he feels a little awkward too, and maybe he just isn't sure what role you want him to fill. Explain to him how you're feeling, but make sure you don't come across as upset. Let him know that you want him to be a part of your life but that you don't want him to try to replace your real dad, including when it comes to making important decisions. Sitting down and talking about this might allow you two to figure out what you both want out of your stepdaughter-stepfather relationship. |
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46% gave other responses. Some SmartGirls said:
Make clues to him when he's crossing the line. Your step-dad is probably a litle nervous about the big task of being a "Father" to you and just wants the best for you. Give him a chance. If that doesn't work, try talking to him. My step dad is like that too. Try to find someone else who has the same problem. Talk to them and ask about what they did to stop it. He is just trying to act parent-like with you. He wants to get closer to you because you will be forced to spend a lot of time with him. Calmy explain to him how you feel, and hopefully he'll realize that your relationship needs to gradually grow. If you feel comfortable speaking to your stepdad then tell him how you feel. If he doesn't let this go then you should agree to some of the things he says but give reasonable answers as to why you don't think you need to do the other things. By doing that he'll think you're more responsible and he'll probably decide to be flexible with the other things. Just remember, he's doing this all for you and I know it may not seem like it, but he's not meaning to be controling, just a good step dad. :] If talking with him is too hard, write down in a letter how you feel, or just send him in an email what you said here. Tell your mom the problem and then have a group discussion with your mom and father[s]. They will know how to handle the situation. In fact, they may already have just been waiting for you to speak up about your uncertainties. Maybe you should find out a little more about him first, ask him what movies he likes, etc. You never know. You might find you have something in common. Why not take up a hobby together like badminton. Maybe you two might form some kind of friendship? You need to get both bio-parents involved and form rules about what his limit of authority is. If you do not like the final decision, go live with your dad. Try letting it slip your mind for awhile - if it's a picture that's way too big too ignore, then talk to your mom about him. If things don't change in a few weeks, then talk to your stepdad. Do not lose your temper, it could make the situation worse. If nothing happens then, consider talking to your teacher, counselor, principal, friends' parents, or other adults you trust who you know will stick up for you.
Thanks to all of you that gave your advice! Please give your
advice for this week's issue.
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